I have battled my weight for years. It’s ironic, really, that when I was a young girl I was so skinny that my mom had trouble finding clothes that didn’t swallow me. Then puberty hit, and the scale and I have been doing battle ever since. I’ve been a plus sized gal for more years than not. As I got heavier and heavier, I started wearing baggier and baggier clothes. I wasn’t happy with my size and wanted to hide as much of me as possible. That translated into piling on layers of clothes to hide all the fat I didn’t want others to see. I was trying to become invisible under layers of fabric.
I didn’t want an item of clothing to fit. That was too unnerving because I felt as if I was out there on display and I wasn’t comfortable with that. I’ve always had an outgoing personality, and that never really changed. I wasn’t trying to hide my personality. I was trying to hide the physical features of myself that I found grotesque. What I didn’t grasp at the time was that dressing in over-sized clothes was having the opposite effect. Yes, they hid the fat, but they gave me absolutely no shape at all. I was a blob with a head. Attractive? Not so much. I had my blinders on though, and continued to dress in baggy clothes for years. That outgoing personality was also somewhat a defense mechanism. Yes, I was naturally outgoing, but I made it a point to be the center of attention as much as possible. Sometimes that manifested itself in unhealthy ways. My self-esteem was low, so I over compensated.
In the past few months, I’ve tried to start a new, healthier lifestyle. I don’t call it a diet. Diets don’t work. I’m changing my eating habits and trying to get more active. I’ve had good success and I’m 25 pounds lighter. This weight loss has facilitated the need to buy new clothes. I made a conscious decision to buy clothes that actually fit me. This wasn’t easy since I had programmed myself to grab a shirt one or two sizes larger than what I actually needed.
The first time I tried on a shirt that actually fit, I looked in the mirror and didn’t recognize the girl staring back at me. I was shopping with my mom at the time, and when I stepped out of the dressing room to show her, her reaction was uplifting. She commented on how flattering it looked on me and that you could see I actually had a waist. That was the confidence boost I needed to start dressing in properly sized clothes. Since then, I’ve had fun buying clothes that don’t swallow me whole. I sometimes still get self-conscious when I look in the mirror. However, I can’t deny the reactions I’ve gotten since adopting this new wear-what-actually-fits philosophy. I now constantly get compliments on my outfits and how nice they look on me. I know to some it may seem like I’m still seeking to be the center of attention. I can tell you that for me personally, it’s not attention-seeking behavior. It’s about finally realizing that I don’t need to protect myself and hide behind layers of clothes, or really, layers of anything. The compliments and reactions I get from people are a validation and reaffirmation that I don’t have to hide myself. I am enough just the way I am.
Am I still overweight? You bet. But I’m working on it, and equally as important, I’m working on my mental health as well. I’m learning self-acceptance, and that? Is a wonderful feeling.
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