I took this picture this morning and posted it on Facebook. I received a lot of “likes” and a lot of compliments. One compliment said that I looked happy. Objectively, I can look at this picture and see that I do look happy. It’s just a facade. I am not happy.
I manage to make it through the work day without breaking down. I have so much work to do, that it doesn’t leave me much time to think about anything else. Then I have the 45 minute drive home. Having all that time to think is not good. I keep it together though, because Aidan is in the car. He’s handling all this pretty well, but it upsets him when he sees me upset. I try not to cry in front of him.
I get home and check the mail, and of course, he has mail. I send him a text asking if he wants me to put in a change of address for him. He says no, he’ll do it. Then he asks me if I still need him next Friday. You see, before my life exploded, I scheduled a minor surgical procedure. I have a torn meniscus in my left knee that needs to be surgically repaired. It takes less than an hour and it’s done outpatient. After everything went down last week, I asked him if he was still willing to drive me there and back and help me out a little once I got home. He agreed.
After answering his text that yes, I do still need his help on the day of surgery, his response was that was fine, but he was going to make sure he had all the rest of his things out that day and after that he didn’t want anymore face-to-face contact and didn’t want to come over to the house anymore. The logical part of me understands this and agrees. But my heart? It broke in pieces again. He has stayed in contact with the majority of his past exes. It’s just like a knife to the heart that he wants to break all contact.
Again, logically I know this is the way it needs to be. I just wish my heart would keep up with my head. So that smile up there? That’s just a facade.