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May, 2010:

Disjointed

That’s how I feel these days. Disjointed. That’s how this post will end up, I’m sure. I have elventy million thoughts flying through my head, but I can’t get them organized in any cohesive way. Writing is cathartic for me. It’s why I started this blog. I need the outlet. I lay in bed these days tossing and turning because I can’t turn my brain off. I’m stressed. I’m anxious. I’m just….disjointed.

Compared to others’ my problems are minor. But they’re my problems. They’re not minor to me. Yes, I can look at the big picture. I get it. But right now? At this very moment? They’re MY problems and they’re real. I’ve spent the better part of a week trying to keep the tears below the surface. Some days are more successful than others. Right now? Not so much.

My job situation. The Man’s job situation. My financial affairs. All of it causing massive amounts of stress. My bank account’s balance? Stress. I’ve become a master at juggling bills and determining what HAS to be paid now and what can wait a week. I know I’m not alone. But again, I can only focus on MY issues.

I’m 36 years old, but far from financially solvent. I had an idyllic childhood. I was an only child. I was a spoiled child. My parents were phenomenal. I was unprepared for adult life. It’s not their fault. The only person I have to blame is myself. They instilled in me values and the value of a dollar. I chose to ignore those tidbits of advice. My mom? There are not enough positive adjectives to accurately describe her. Her and my step-dad have been there for me and bailed me out more times than I care to remember. There is no way I could ever repay them their generosity. I did a great job of screwing up my credit and my mom was generous enough to finance a car for me. I have to make that car payment tomorrow. I can, but it will leave me strapped. I could ask my mom to call the finance company and ask to defer a payment. It’s an option. They’ll just tack it on to the end of the loan. I won’t though. I simply cannot ask my mother and step-father for anymore help. They’ve done too much already. I will suck it up and deal with the stress.

I’m great at facades. To look at me on a daily basis, you’d never guess the all encompassing stress I feel right now. I always say that I don’t stress over things I can’t control. It’s great advice. I don’t follow it. I try; and I even succeed for short periods of time. But it’s always there in the back of my mind. I have my bank balance running through my head at all times. I don’t lead an extravagant lifestyle. These days eating out means the value menu. I don’t live in a huge house with a huge mortgage. I live in a modest apartment with reasonable rent. I don’t drive a fancy car. A little sub-compact gets me from point A to point B. I can’t remember the last time I went shopping for anything other than groceries or household necessities.

I know things will get better. I know things could be much worse. I am extremely grateful for what I do have. I have an incredible little boy. I have an amazing partner. I have an awesome extended family. I am blessed. I’m also stressed. Like this post, my life is just… disjointed. So for now I continue to juggle. I continue to make proactive changes and choices that I know will pay off in the long run. And I continue to try to keep the tears under the surface and put a happy face on.

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