May, 2011:

I am attending the University of Central Florida getting my bachelor’s in legal studies. This summer session I’m taking Torts and Criminal Law. I was really looking forward to my criminal law class because that’s the area of law I hope to find work in. I was less than thrilled when I signed up for this class and saw that it was on Monday and Wednesday nights from 6-10pm. That’s a long time to be in class, but it’s only a 6 week session, and I’ve never had a professor keep the class for the entire time. Until now.

I understand that we’re trying to squeeze in 12 weeks worth of material in 6 weeks. I get it. I can even (begrudgingly) get on board with staying for the entire class time. That’s a lot of material in a short amount of time. I can even appreciate the fact that he does not require us to purchase a text book. The class material is comprised of different Supreme Court cases. Yay, I save money.

I can almost get passed his blathering about stuff and then telling us we don’t need to worry about that because it won’t be on the test. At least in most of those situations he’s still talking about criminal law. Albeit, it’s usually cases he’s personally handled, but at least it’s related to the subject matter. I’d really rather him just stick to the stuff that’s going to be on the test, because that’s all I’m really concerned about at this point.

However, I have paid good money to learn about criminal law. What I have not paid good money for is to listen to my professor pontificate and bloviate about his political and religious viewpoints. I don’t care what he thinks of the Florida Governor (even if I happen to agree with some of his opinions). I don’t care what he thinks about the Florida Legislature. I don’t care about his personal opinion of the Supreme Court and/or the Supreme Court Justices. I don’t care what his religious affiliations are. This is not what I’m paying hundreds of dollars to learn. These things are not going to help me when I’m working in a law firm. I’m willing to bet if he cut out all his personal shit, and stuck to issues he’s actually going to test us on, we’d probably get out at least an hour earlier. If you’re bound and determined to keep me here for 8 hours a week, at least give me 8 hours of material that I’m paying to learn. Leave your personal opinions to yourself.

The best part is, I have this asshat next semester for criminal procedure. I’m thinking I may want to rethink taking that particular class.

This post probably won’t make sense. It sure as hell won’t be well thought out or fluid. I’m having a bad mental health day. My last post was about my depression. This one is more about the anxiety I also suffer from. My brain is all over the place today. Stressed doesn’t even begin to cover it right now. Both The Man and I are facing unemployment this summer. That will put some stress on a relationship. There are other things going on too, but I don’t feel like getting into all that right now.

It’s been a while since I’ve had a full blown anxiety attack. The medication I’m on is for both depression and anxiety and it does a pretty good job of keeping both at bay. I have a quick acting medication for when the anxiety starts to get too bad. The problem with it though, is it tends to make me a little loopy, so I try not to take it during the day. In fact, I don’t usually even carry it around with me. I was wishing like hell I’d had it with me today.

I am in the throws of a full-blown anxiety attack. My heart is racing. I’m sweating. I’m nauseous. I’m a little dizzy, and I’m on the verge of hyperventilating. Needless to say, I left work early. I’ve been cleaning since I’ve been home just to keep me and my mind busy. I keep checking my email every five minutes because I’m waiting on a reply from someone. Each minute that goes by without one just ratchets up my anxiety even further. In an hour I need to go pick up my son. After that I’m supposed to to class tonight and sit for 4 hours listening to a professor I can’t stand. I’ve yet to make up my mind completely as to whether or not I’m going tonight. I need to go. This is summer session and it’s only 6 weeks long, so when you miss a class, you miss a ton of information. I’m just not sure I can sit through 4 hours of his bloviating tonight.

So, I sit here waiting for an email and anxious about what said email might say, and debating about whether or not to take my anxiety pill. If I am going to go to class, I need to be able to pay attention. If I take that little green pill, I’m not sure I’ll be able to. Anxiety is bullshit.

Dear Mom,

Sometimes I feel guilty that I don’t call you enough. Sometimes I feel guilty that I only send you cards on Mother’s Day and your birthday. Hell, half the time the cards don’t even get there on time, but I’m getting better with that. There really are no adequate words to express my love and gratitude for you. Thank you just seems so…trite.

I had an idyllic childhood. It was one anyone would covet to have. I had two parents who loved me completely, but were not afraid to discipline when needed. Two parents who knew that discipline was necessary. Unlike most of my friends, I had parents who were still married to each other and stayed that way until dad died. I know your marriage was far from perfect, but you did a really good job of shielding me from the problems. Even as I got older and did see some of the issues, you guys always set a good example.

Being an only child, there was no doubt I was spoiled, but you did a good job of not spoiling me rotten. You instilled in me that hard work is important. That things aren’t just handed to you. God knows I’ve made my share of mistakes as I’ve grown up, but you never failed me. You were always there to lend a shoulder to cry on or an ear to vent to. When things looked dire and eventually fell apart, you were there to pick up the pieces and help me move on. You’ve supported me financially well beyond the legally required 18 years. I want you to know that I’ve never taken that for granted. Those time as an adult that I had to call you and ask for financial help were hard for me. I felt like a failure, but you never made me feel that way. You simply did what a good mom does. You helped your daughter out and helped her move on and hopefully, taught her to make better choices. And eventually I did start to make better choices.

You are the perfect example of everything a mother should be. Sometimes I don’t feel like I’m as good a mother to Aidan as you were to me. I don’t always feel as engaged with him as I think I should. I do know that I’m doing the best I can, and that with you as my role model and you as his grandmother, that kid is one lucky kid. This kid is one lucky kid too. Not only do I have the greatest mother, she is also my best friend.

I wish I could be with you to celebrate Mother’s Day. I just want you to know that you are always in my heart and on my mind even though we’re rarely physically together. I am so very lucky to have a mother like you. I love you.

I’m thisclose to doing a clean sweep on my FaceBook. If I have to read one more post on my wall about how Osama is really still alive and this is all some big conspiracy theory and campaign ploy by Obama, I might scream. Loudly.

If you’re on my FB page, it’s no secret that I am not a fan of our current president. However, I’m not consumed with blind hatred for him. I don’t wish any harm to him (let’s face it, President Joe Biden is a much scarier prospect!). Just because I don’t like his policies doesn’t mean that I automatically assume that he’s being untruthful about the death of Osama Bin Laden.

My FaceBook wall is filled with people who insist that Bin Laden is still alive. There are posts that say President Obama shouldn’t be taking credit for Bin Laden’s death – that it was our soldiers who killed him. Well of course it was our soldiers that killed him. You didn’t expect Obama to paratroop into Pakistan and shoot Bin Laden himself did you? However, he is our President and Commander-In-Chief of our armed forces. He is the one who gave the order to take Bin Laden out. He is the one in the oval office when OBL was killed. He does get to come on TV and make a speech about it. He does get to revel in the victory. He gets to take some of the credit. I don’t care if you like the President or not. The facts are the facts.

Now people are all up in arms that he has decided not to release the death photos. Remember when terrorists killed American journalist Daniel Pearl? They beheaded him, taped it and released the video. Americans were beside themselves that they would release this video. And rightly so. What makes it any better for us to release the death photos or videos of OBL? Because he’s a terrorist that makes the double standard okay? I’m sorry, but I think that the President is correct in this decision. I think releasing those photos is unnecessary. I think releasing them could put our military in further danger. I don’t think releasing them will quash any of the conspiracy theorists. They will simply claim the photos and/or video is doctored in some way. Hell, we know fake pictures are already out there. Several Congressmen were already duped by them.

You’re always going to have conspiracy theorists wearing their tin-foil hats and shouting that (insert whatever event here) didn’t really happen. Even with all the evidence we’ve gathered after 9/11, you still have people that think it was an inside job. There are still people that think the Kennedy assassination was an inside job. No photos or videos are ever going to convince those people that (insert whatever event here) really happened. I don’t think we need need to release graphic photos of a dead terrorist to prove a point.