I took this picture this morning and posted it on Facebook.  I received a lot of “likes” and a lot of compliments.  One compliment said that I looked happy.  Objectively, I can look at this picture and see that I do look happy.  It’s just a facade.  I am not happy.

I manage to make it through the work day without breaking down.  I have so much work to do, that it doesn’t leave me much time to think about anything else.  Then I have the 45 minute drive home.  Having all that time to think is not good.  I keep it together though, because Aidan is in the car.  He’s handling all this pretty well, but it upsets him when he sees me upset.  I try not to cry in front of him.

I get home and check the mail, and of course, he has mail.  I send him a text asking if he wants me to put in a change of address for him.  He says no, he’ll do it.  Then he asks me if I still need him next Friday.  You see, before my life exploded, I scheduled a minor surgical procedure.  I have a torn meniscus in my left knee that needs to be surgically repaired.  It takes less than an hour and it’s done outpatient.  After everything went down last week, I asked him if he was still willing to drive me there and back and help me out a little once I got home.  He agreed.

After answering his text that yes, I do still need his help on the day of surgery, his response was that was fine, but he was going to make sure he had all the rest of his things out that day and after that he didn’t want anymore face-to-face contact and didn’t want to come over to the house anymore.  The logical part of me understands this and agrees.  But my heart?  It broke in pieces again.  He has stayed in contact with the majority of his past exes.  It’s just like a knife to the heart that he wants to break all contact.

Again, logically I know this is the way it needs to be.  I just wish my heart would keep up with my head.  So that smile up there?  That’s just a facade.

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He stated moving his things out today. For the most part during that process, I held it together. I didn’t break down as we sorted through which DVDs were his and which were mine. I didn’t lose it when he left to take the first load of stuff over to his moms.   I kept myself busy doing some work I brought home and looking forward to when my friend would come over tonight.

Then the text came that through no fault of her own, she wouldn’t be able to make it. Then he came back and got another load of stuff and said that was all he was talking tonight. And then he walked out the door and I lost it.

I want to be strong, but I am not feeling strong tonight. I am not okay. I am the exact opposite of okay. I thought I could do this. I thought I could be strong, but I am dying inside. It wasn’t supposed to be this way.

There are still so many of his things here that I can’t escape it. There are physical reminders everywhere I look. I know he’s hurting too, but where he is he doesn’t have physical reminders of me and our relationship. Everywhere I look there are pieces of him; pieces of us and what could have been. What should have been.

It doesn’t take much to set me off either. Stupid things like the kitchen light not turning on reduces me to a blubbering idiot. We I have these stupid fluorescent lights in the kitchen and they are very finicky. He could always manage to get them to turn on. Do you think they would turn on for me tonight? Of course not.

Logically I know that I will get through this and come out better and stronger on the other side. Right now, however, I’m all emotion and no logic. I just hurt and I don’t know how to make it stop.

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• Wawa has the cleanest bathrooms for a gas station.
• A disturbing amount of people don’t wash their hands after they go to the bathroom; this includes some of my coworkers. I now know whose dishes I’ll avoid at the next company potluck.
• People also do strange things in bathroom stalls. Is it really necessary to remove your shoes while you do your business?  I also heard someone snoring in a neighboring stall. Yes, the first place that pops into my mind to go take a nap is a seven stall bathroom.
• May the fleas of a thousand camels infect the crotch of the people who buy sandpaper and try to pass it off as toilet paper.
• While I appreciate the convenience of auto-flush toilets, it would be nice if they would wait until I stand up to work their magic. If I wanted my ass washed, I would use a bidet. At least those use clean water.

I hope that soon my stomach will settle down. I’d like to spend far less time in my neighborhood bathrooms.

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The Man and I have decided to go our separate ways after nearly five years together. This isn’t what either of us predicted would happen. It’s not even what we really want to happen. However, we both agree it’s what should happen. Things have been stagnant for quite some time now.

The last year has seen more ups and downs than the best roller coasters. There is no one thing we can point to to say’ “Aha! This is when things went to shit!” We have simply grown apart. We’ve gotten into a rut we can’t seem to find our way out of. Rather than continue on and have the same argument over and over, we have decided to be adults about it and go our separate ways. There is no doubt we love each other. We also know that this relationship has seem to have run its course and to continue it out of convenience isn’t fair to either of us.

I may sound as if I’m completely fine and unaffected by this. Rest assured that is not the case. This is extremely, extraordinarily, unbelievably painful. This is the man with whom I truly thought I would spend the rest of my life. Sadly, love just isn’t always enough to keep a relationship afloat. I vacillate between being ok about this one minute, and completely losing my shit the next.

I’m grateful that we are both being mature adults about this. Of course, there were the few raw emotional outbursts on both sides. We have since, however, set aside the emotion for the most part. We are being cordial and civil towards each other. That makes a painful situation somewhat more bearable.

I know it will really knock me on my ass this weekend as he begins to move his things out of our house. I fully predict full blown basket case status, which is why one of my girl friends is coming over on Saturday so we can drink copious amounts of wine.

I am also looking at this as an opportunity to better myself. It has been well over 10 years since I’ve lived anywhere close to my family. I have started looking for jobs up where they are. As soon obtain gainful employment up there, Aidan and I will leave the great state of Florida.   I will certainly miss some friends, but I won’t miss this state.

So, as sad and painful as this situation is, I have realized that I am stronger than I give myself credit for.

I may be bent, but I am not broken. I will eventually come out the other side of this a better, stronger person, and maybe even learn to love again.

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I say it every year.  The years just seem to fly by faster and faster.  Over all, 2012 wasn’t a bad year.  I usually do a year in review post and put up links to favorite posts from each month.  However, I’ve woefully neglected this blog this past year.  There were months in 2012 that I didn’t post at all.

I came back from BlogHer last year all excited and then did…nothing.  Well, that’s not entirely true.  I got an idea for a new blog I want to start, and I did buy the domain name and design the site.  And there it sits.  I’ve gotten one post written, but need to get several written to schedule out ahead before I launch the site.  It’s a travel blog of sorts, so I need to get off my ever-expanding ass and get out and see all the wonderful things to do in my area that I want other people to visit.  More to come on that later.

I’m not into making new years resolutions because I don’t like to set myself up to fail, but I do plan to find/make more time for myself this year and to write more. I’d love to go back to school and get my Masters, but I can’t really justify adding to my massive student loan debt when I know that a Masters won’t get me the salary increase to justify it at my current place of employment (and likely anywhere else with the economy the way it is now).  I feel like I’m just existing.  I want to get out and live.  I want to enjoy what life has to offer.  I want to get out of this house and off my couch and DO more.  I want to get my son off that damn computer and get him out and DO more too.  I want to DO more with the family.  In general, I just want to DO more.

Although 2012 wasn’t a bad year, here’s hoping that 2013 will be even better.  I wish you all health, happiness, peace, and that you accomplish all you desire this coming year.

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My grandma did not want a somber funeral. In place of a traditional funeral, the family rented a pavilion in a state park. The setting was so beautiful with the leaves on the ground and the fireplace going in the pavilion. We had a table set up with pictures from her early childhood on up. One thing was never in doubt. This woman was loved. Her family meant everything to her, and it showed. We had a short, but lovely service. Many memories were shared. A few tears where shed, and a lot of laughter was heard. She would have loved every second of it. She was an only child, after all, and loved being the center of attention. She also would have loved seeing her entire family together. I honestly can’t remember the last time we were all gathered together. A perfect ending to a life well lived.

Our entire family together

All the great grandkids

The two youngest great grandkids

Aidan - The first great grandkid

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Dear Grandma,

You always said you were too ornery to die. We all thought so too. Unfortunately, no one is immortal. You lived a long, full life, but I wasn’t ready to let you go. Truth be told, I’d never be ready to let you go. You were the matriarch of our family. And now you’re gone, and we’re left picking up the pieces and trying to go on. In the last few weeks I kept meaning to call you. Time got away from me, and now I’ll never have the chance to pick up the phone and hear your voice. I’ll always regret that I didn’t make time to call you more often. I’ll always be saddened that I never got to say goodbye; that I never got to tell you one last time how much I loved you and how much you meant to me and to this entire family.

You and I had such a special relationship. I was your first grandchild. I always called you grandma, but when my cousin David came along, he named you Mema, and the name stuck for every grandchild and great-grandchild that followed. To me, however, you were always grandma. I thought that since I was the first grandchild, what I called you should be what everyone called you. I was outvoted, but I never called you anything but grandma. That was one of our special just-you-and-me things.

I have so many fond memories of my childhood with you. I looked forward to every summer when my parents would ship me off to you and grandpa for the entire summer. Back then, I always wondered what mom and dad did while I was away all summer, and how sad they must be to be all by themselves. Now that I have my own child, I get it. I’m sure my parents looked forward to every summer just as much as I did. I’m so grateful that my own son got to spend his summers with my mom and you. I know as he gets older, he will learn to treasure those years he had with you. It’s fitting that since I was your first grandchild, he was your first great-grandchild.

You taught me many things I still remember today. You were the one that taught me how to be a bargain shopper. I remember begging you to take me to the mall every summer and asking for everything under the sun. Of course, at that age, I had no idea what a budget was. I figured if you had checks, you could use them to buy stuff. I had no concept that those checks had to be backed by money in the bank. If I saw something I wanted, I didn’t care how much it cost. You showed me what sales were, and how to shop around to get the best price. You’d be proud to know that I rarely buy anything that’s not on sale. You also helped to show me the difference between want and need. I sometimes still have a difficult time with that concept, but most of the time I get it right.

I know you’re now free from pain and back with grandpa. We all take comfort in that fact. You have left quite a legacy. You leave behind four daughters, nine grandchildren and eleven great-grandchildren. Each and every one of us are a better person for having known you. I love you.

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In case you haven’t heard, New York City Mayor Michael Bloomberg (I) wants to ban the sale of sodas over 16 ounces in New York. I’m really glad there are no larger, pressing issues facing New York City so that Doubcheberg Bloomberg can focus on this most crucial of issues.

Yeah, I know, there is an obesity epidemic in this country. I know that high sugar content drinks contribute to it. What I don’t get is why the government feels the need to get involved by banning large sodas. What’s to stop someone from buying two or more smaller sodas to equal more than 16 ounces? We’re going to ban those sodas, but feel free to buy that Bic Mac and super-sized fries. Apparently, they don’t cause obesity. Oh, and you can still drink all the fruit juice you want. No sugar in that. /sarcasm.

And let’s talk about enforcement, shall we? Just how is this going to be enforced? Are they going to create a new government agency to oversee every restaurant in NYC to see if they’re selling contraband sodas? Or will they simply hire more people to work for the Health Department to enforce this nonsense? I can see it now, back alley soda deals going down. This whole thing is ludicrous!

But really, this isn’t about sodas. It’s about control. It’s about the government trying to control what you can and cannot buy or do or eat. Banning restaurants from selling sodas over an arbitrary size won’t put a dent in the obesity epidemic. If people want mass quantities of soda, people are going to drink mass quantities of soda. They will just get it somewhere other than a restaurant, or order more than one. This is just another example of government intruding where government has no business intruding.

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